1. 2 years ago 

   Crank 2 is a better movie than Avatar. Part One.

   If you’re thinking I’m running a little late on the Avatar train, unfortunately, you’re wrong. The film has been in wide release since December 18th, yet parents are still apparentely selling their children to see it, and the childrens grandparents are selling their parents to see it, and bums are stabbing the grandparents because they’re old and feeble and are all around easy targets to see it, as the film has now grossed approximately 1 billion cash money. That’s right, the writhing masses have now had almost a month to realize what a shit movie Avatar is, organize, and burn things out of frustration and rage, but instead they just keep giving up that green to this guy:

   

   That is, the human, not the statue. That’s an inanimate object, and any sort of  monetary exchange would be foolish. Not too say buying a ticket to avatar isn’t foolish. It’s retarded.

   Mass arson aside, this so called revolutionary breakthrough in filmmaking is the movie equivalent of Paris Hilton: Spoiled and douchey. And slutty. I’m pretty sure Avatar gets diddled a lot.

   If Avatar’s promiscuous and sordid sexual history is still not enough to waive you off your 7th fucking viewing this week, I want you to first consider Avatar’s cunningly concealed, absolutely horrifying master plan:

   

   That’s right, Avatar hates starving African children, and the films ultimate goal is to thwart all charitable proceeds that they may recieve.

   And thanks to you…it’s working.

   Far more disturbing, however, is the insanity surrounding another, far more worthy 2009 release which did not recieve a Scrooge McDuck helping of cheddar. I am of course referring to Crank 2: High Voltage, which not only defied all logic by not making a huge profit, but did in fact lose copious amounts of coin upon its theatrical release.

   Not only is this film vastly superior to Avatar on a technical, thematic and creative level, but it has this guy in it:

   

   And if you disagree, he will seriously fuck you up.
   
   Though my point has clearly been made, and concisely at that, I’ll hit you with some more knowledge in part 2 of my completely factual and in no way asinine analysis, coming soon.

DOWN WITH CAPITALISM!

*I actually love Capitalism, I was just baiting you. Thanks for reading my blog, anonymous FBI screener.*

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